“Watching the third installment of the Twilight saga takes a total eclipse of the brain.”
-Jamie Hildahoffenfeffer (Great insight based on a great song... therefore true.).
“I’ve never seen that movie. Stop calling me.” -Nelson Mandela
Back in my home village of Titting, Bovaria, we have a saying that goes like this: “Das Leben ist wie ein Kinderhemd--kurz und beschissen.” It means “Life is like a child’s shirt– short and crappy.”
(I would have just said it in English, but it is so much more beautiful in German). That saying resonated with me whilst watching Bella attempt to solve the love triangle between her, Edward, and Jacob. It’s like a minor math problem for a girl who appears to have a major Meth problem. And as long as we’re judging people on appearances, let’s settle Bella’s indecisive streak that has spanned for the past three films right now. Nevermind that Jacob is caring, and Edward has all the charm of a creepy uncle that touches you inappropriately... Jacob is so fine, I’d climb him like a redwood... 1 Yet Bella betroths herself to the guy who looks like he’s doing chemotherapy.2
Enough about who’s hot and who’s on meth, though. Let’s talk about plot (and no, I don’t mean the burial plot where acting came to die). Here goes: So a bunch of newborn vampires decide to wage war on the Cullens because some curly-haired lass wants Bella dead. In order to protect her, Edward and Jacob must work as a mannschaft (or as you Americans call it, ‘team’). Being on a mannschaft is hard. And if anyone knows about being on a mannschaft, it’s me. I used to be the top half of Germany’s olympic luge.3
I’ve just been informed by my dog, Glenn, that the previous passage came across as lewd and rude because my pooch’s a prude. It wasn’t my meaning for anything to sound hot and heavy, though I’m not surprised. German’s delicate words make it an international language of love, no matter what is being said.
Back to the film, the Cullens set a trap for the newborns in the woods along with the shirtless wolf pack. The most striking scene of the film is the army of newborn vampires rising from the lake on their way to battle. Uhm, what? New fear for the Hildahoffenfeffer. Now sharks are not the only jaws in the water... And just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, boom: Dakota Fanning. I fudging hate her.
Now, I know most film critics don’t say what happens at the end of the movie, but I will tell you.
I took three swigs from some expired eggnog and dozed off. But the dream I had… I mean, even Martin Luther King would be jealous.
Bella was played by Jodie Foster, Jacob was played by Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, and Edward was played by the late David Hasselhoff. It was just like the movie, except instead of newborn vampires, the Cullens and wolves faced off an all horse basketball team.
I woke up feeling like Stephenie Meyer could have benefited from some old eggnog while writing the Twilight books. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes your writing stronger. Re-read this review as proof. It’s spectacular.
FOOTNOTES:
Footnote 1: I suppose I just came out of the Kleiderschrank. Surprise!
Footnote 2: I can joke about cancer because it’s my astrological sign.
Footnote 3: We came in last since my partner is paralyzed from the waist down. Oh, well. You win some, you luge some.
Jamie Hildahoffenfeffer is played by Jamie Hildabrand. Watch him play other beloved Germans on www.youtube.com/jhildabrand
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