Horoscopes

Dr. Jamie Hildabrandburgstein offers expert horoscoping, drawing from his experience as an astrographer, life coach, and part time gynecologist.

Turn ons:
A nice smile, and a bountiful bum.

Turn offs: Paisley

1. Capricorn
Let’s start with the good news: you’re not ugly. And now to the very, very bad news. This new year is all about two words: dissa pointments. From the very public vomiting at work in April to the loss of the love of your life (even if you have yet to meet him, her, or it). They will lose their battle with Cancer: The sign, not the disease.

2. Aquarius
Life seems to be pulling you in a bunch of different directions. On the one hand you want to move to the Philippines and try your hand at breeding ponies. On the other hand, you’re not even sure there are ponies in the Philippines.
3. Pisces
It’s official: every year you look more and more like Liza Minnelli. I know that’s upsetting, which is why I have compiled some tips for you to get on the fast track to feeling attractive. More cardio, and less cabaret. And if possible, cut down the boozing to five nights a week. Life is not a Cabernet.

4. Aries
Guess what? This is the year you’re winning the lottery. Mazel Tov! Downside: You’ll lose it all gambling on America’s favorite pastime: pigeon racing. Ask my old school chum, Mike Tyson. Aside from his face tattoo and taking a bite out of boxing, watching those filthy rats fly is his greatest triumph.
5. Taurus
Take on to Twitter to turn flirtation into true love. It’s tweet review time: Read over everything your crush has twit in the past few months to know their innermost thoughts. Find out where they live, and show up. Find an open window... literally. If one is cracked open, crawl in. After all, home is where the heart is.

6. Gemini
You’re moving to Albuquerque. I know, it sucks. Now that the shock has passed, let’s talk about carry-ons. Don’t pack too much since you’re taking an incredible amount of emotional baggage. Don’t be too bummed. I mean, what are you really leaving behind? Drunk friends, debts, and that guy in the Grand-Am that cuts you off every morning.

7. Cancer
Remember that guy you killed? Well, police have found the body. Should have listened to grandma’s old saying: “A body tossed at a bay washes up, not away. But a body poured in cement grants you time to repent.” And bond won’t be easy to pay... Your ex wasted all your money on a wild pigeon chase with an ear eater.
8. Leo
Lots of change is coming your way, fast! And no, I don’t mean a repeat of that incident of the angry Salvation Army bell ringer outside of the mall. I’m talking life altering change. You know that relative you love that always dotes on you? Good news: They’re dying. #RIP #$=(:
9. Virgo
Your rotten heart is the reason others despise you. It’s true. I’ve talked to those people. There was a poll. (You don’t want to know the percentage). All of those very same people, however, are jealous of the length of your arms. Not too long, not too short... And they have a marionette quality. Spring fashion tip: sleeveless tank tops.

10. Libra
The rumors are true... You’re pregnant. And if you’re a man, all I can say is “wowza... That’s gonna hurt.” (On the plus side, you’ll be the only papa in town with a coslopus). And for all you ladies carrying it the old fashion way (in the womb, or clandestinely at a convent to later raise it as a much younger sibling), the baby will be adorable.

11. Scorpio
An epiphany comes in March when the phrase, “It just hit me,” takes on a literal meaning for you by way of a Dodge Neon. Sure, one of your ribs will be just floating between your lungs now, but the insurance money will help you finally afford nice clothes, and occasional visits to your Gemini friend in Albuquerque.

12. Sagittarius
You’re feeling bold, beautiful, and ready for barbecue. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve lost the holiday weight, the Prozac is doing wonders for you, and that cold sore on your lip is hardly noticeable now. Be weary of your need to please, though. You live for validation from others (except from Virgos... Damn their brown auras and elegant long arms).

Jamie Hildabrandburgstein is played by Jamie Hildabrand. See more of his work online: youtube.com/jhildabrand